Friday 26 December 2014

10 Ways To Cheat Yourself To Bigger Guns & The Perfect Fitness Photo

Me and my 32 year old baby...
It’s Boxing Day and rather than use this time to promote my upcoming online fitness and nutrition plan The Hot Body Project, or start promoting my other online plan The Athletic Body Project, I thought I’d use the time to respond to the hundreds of (well, tens of) supportive and hilarious friends who have chimed in on my new Facebook profile picture. 

Yesterday (Christmas Day) whilst sat in a meat coma with drink in hand, I decided to change my Facebook picture from one of me with my beautiful family at my sister-in-laws wedding 18 months ago to one from my recent adventure race; Judgement Day.

The look I was inadvertently going for...
Rather than holding my baby (an 18 month old William) I switched to a photo of me holding my other baby (a 32 year old bicep). And a tyre. On a wall. Looking moody / sexy. Or as one onlooker described, “serious-and-moody-whilst-wearing-a-sexy-hat look!” Which was nice because that’s the look I was going for.
The gun in question...

Anyway, amongst other supportive messages I had a... 










Even my wife chipped in...

Very complimentary, I think you’d agree. Except for the reference to my inability to ‘fix a flat’  (thank you, Rachel). Or my massage therapist (when I can't get an appointment with) claiming I have a ‘spare tyre’ and my brother-in-law doctoring it to make me look like Popeye.

Popeye

'fix a flat'

Can't get an appointment with her...

'I have achieved my perfect weight, just not in the right places!'

However, undeterred I gamely responded amidst cries of “photoshopping” knowing these were my friends and I never take myself to seriously...

But, when I woke this morning and saw and advert with Arnold Schwarzzeneggar (however you spell it) prospering advice about “building bigger arms” I felt I needed to chime in. 

My Hero: The Austrian Oak

Rather than telling you how I actually did it - hard work and dedication - I’d tell you some hard and fast rules I applied in this picture (some without knowing) to make you look hot.

  1. Get a good photographer. Judgement Day offer the participants free photos. They’re great. The photographers, unlike at other races, are brilliant. This photographer is now my best friend.
  2. Sit at the correct angle. A quarter turn is enough. The angle matters. Like Zoolander, you want them to get your good side.
  3. Sit up high. It makes you feel grandiose. A little like Kim Jong Un. 
  4. Look moody with a vacant stare. I didn’t know I was doing this, but it worked in my favor here. You can do this too. To help you, you need to get really tired. I did this on this occasion by running 10k up and down hills with a 20kg sand bags. I’m sure there are better ways, but play with a couple and see what works for you.
  5. Get muddy. I got the look by wading through lakes, crawling through mud and putting a little on my face. It gives your skin a darker complexion.
  6. Wear a really tight vest. If you want to look muscular this is important. Some would say more important than actually training and eating well. The vest I’m wearing is extra small. I could hardly breathe. It made the race tough, but I looked hot, and that’s importanter.
  7. Get a tattoo and short hair. This isn’t essential, it’s just cool. But try it, it might work for you.
  8. Carry a manly instrument. In this case I’ve got a tyre. You could try wood, a diet coke (think diet coke break), a gun or a drill. It doesn’t have to be functional, but it helps.
  9. Have a sunbed. Some people might not like this, but it’s a factor. Like mud, but cleaner, a sunbed makes your skin thinner and appear more ‘healthy’. But don’t be swayed from your usual ‘6 minute a month’ sunbed to a 10 minute one. The orange looking woman in the shop (the one that flirted with me) is a bit of a shark. Don’t be tricked into that, unless you want a great picture.
  10. Get your photographer (my best friend) to add a grainy finish. This is better than the mud and the orange tan for bringing on a flagging bicep. 

There you have it. Forget hard work and dedication. Sack off the training and meal prep. Don’t even consider lifting something or watching what you eat. Follow my ten step-fail-safe gun enhancer plan today and let me know how you get on.


I believe it can also work for abs, thighs and ass improvements too.